Growing Pains

As the countdown to our first child birth continues, I have noticed that I am suffering from some minor physical ailments. The common assumption and scientifically unproven theory, is that men suffer and in fact contract morning sickness. I have not found this to be the case with me, but many mothers and grandmothers swear that their hubbies ‘contracted’ morning sickness during their pregnancy. Sometimes it’s hard not to laugh when you hear things that are based on common misconceptions, but people react to what their environment and experience encourages. Probably the most common example of this is the ‘cure-all’ elixirs that were sold during the first half of this century. They were supposed to cure colds, headaches, cancer, athlete’s foot etc. People would buy them, drink them and presumably enjoy the effects of the placebo and high alcohol content. The sad part about this is that people never really caught on to the scam, rather during Teddy Roosevelt’s presidency he required that the government approve certain foods and their effects. The same crap is still sold today, only on the back of the bottle it will state that it is not FDA approved. I am reminded of how gullible people are when I see things for sale like “High- Definition Sunglasses” which allow you to see the world in HD (http://www.seen-on-tv.ws/hd-vision/hdvision.html).

I don’t think people are dumb for believing or buying wife’s tales and crap products, because in their experience it may have proven helpful. One of my earliest work experiences was as a cashier at a drugstore named “Revco”. I asked the Pharmacist what the difference, (other than price), between a particular generic and the name brand product was. He responded that people often like to ‘feel’ they are getting their money’s worth and that some people ‘believe’ in a particular brand. It didn’t take long for me to understand that when people believe something works, they will find ways to reinforce this believe and perhaps just as importantly, they will ignore many things that imply they are incorrect. A common example of this is when I watch someone root for their favorite college team. It seems that the same call can be interpreted in several ways. Fans will emphasize anything that represents poor conduct by the opposition and darn near ignore the same effects vice versa. After working in a statistical role I find myself always questioning causation. Recently my wife and I returned from the grocery store and the dogs were (as always) very excited to see us. I had bought them a new treat and was looking through the plastic bags that littered my counter for a few of them. Just before I gave it to Dolly (my female dog) she threw up in the kitchen. After cleaning the mess I mentioned that had I given the treat to her a few minutes earlier we may have improperly assumed that the treat had made her sick. In all actuality Dolly had simply eaten too much food too quickly and the excitement of our arrival allowed us to see firsthand, just how much she had eaten. In an unrelated incident, a friend of mine who did not smoke cigars, decided to try one. A few days later he developed Bells Palsy (A mysterious disease which causes half of your face to lose feeling for varying amounts of time). Now, the very mention of a cigar causes him to sweat and panic.

Most likely, the issues that some individuals presume to be morning sickness are in fact the overwhelming issues / reality that accompany the fact that as a man, your role and responsibilities are about to increase dramatically. This realization can surface in a multitude of ways, namely nausea, eye twitching, headaches, vomiting, etc. In my case, I have experienced a change in my demeanor as well as some increased tendencies towards nesting. In terms of my demeanor, I have become softer. I tend to be more emotional about certain things that, in the past, I would have rolled my eyes at. I suppose that the bond I have formed with my unborn child has solidified such that I can now relate to situations I was formerly unable to. This newfound tendency surfaces with that tiny ache you feel between your chin and neck when you experience something that could lead to a highly emotional state or even tears. For obvios reasons we will call this condition “tenderitus” which occurs in the “neckchineus” region. Movies that would have drawn nary a furrowed brow now leave me momentarily exhausted and breathless. I have become the equivalent of a mountain man injected with estrogen in that I am confused by my own reactions. Such was the case when watching “The Lives of Others”, a movie based around the time the Berlin wall fell (Yes, it’s in German). I suppose this revelation is a good thing. I knew that my child would teach me many things; however I falsely assumed the lessons would start after the baby was born. My newfound estrogen may be what helps me to deal with some of Lindsay’s chemical induced moments. They tend to be quick, loud and over issues that would have otherwise been ignored (prior to the pregnancy). The irony here is that due to the pregnancy, Lindsay’s reactions have become more temperamental where as I have become more emotion-full. At the same time, she is increasingly maternal and I have a greater resolve towards being the provider and role model. Oddly enough, in the animal kingdom, only a select few Male’s feel the need to provide for their young. In almost all cases the male moves on to other things while the mother provides, trains and protects her young. With the exception of a cousin of the prairie dog, (due to its enhanced amygdale), no animal strives to maintain a family.

Being afflicted with tenderitus is most likely a new stage of learning that can only come with new experiences. I was thinking last night about what developments the future may hold for my child to experience. In the future, it is ration to assume that people will forget what it was like to be bald or have acne and a muscular frame may be a pill away, but it is unlikely that true confidence and experience can be synthesized. It is these experiences which are the foundation for greater understanding and appreciation for everyday experiences. Five years ago I had no desire to be away from my computer for any more than a few hours. I would contemplate camping with my portable dvd player and a mobile wireless card for my laptop (ahhhh….endless connectivity). Now I find that I have a great appreciation for the simplicity of the great outdoors with as little of modern day conveniences as possible (My Blackberry and I have a very independent relationship). I am changing, evolving and possibly improving. I have learned so much in the last 10 years that even I realize that teenagers are (for the most part) trend following lemmings. As far as the wives tales, don’t give me too much credit. After reading that eggplant parmesan has a high affiliation with inducing labor within 48 hours of being consumed (this of course, on the company’s website), Lindsay and I drove to Provino’s for an eggplant parmesan to-go. At this point the baby weight is estimated to be 7 and a half pounds. The thought of buying a 12$ meal vs the possibility of having to comfort Lindsay while delivering a 10 pound baby (it’s looking like it could be as much as three more weeks) made this an easy decision. Besides, we agreed that if there’s no action by Thursday we’re both drinking Castor oil…….Yuck!