Negotiations 081 : Lessons from a Toddler

Last night I was laying ...lying... in bed with Daniel and trying to coax him into sleep. The pattern goes something like this.

I tell him it's time to go to bed and he runs in the opposite direction like a hunted deer (takes 2 to 3 minutes to catch him). This chase typically ends with the old 'I'm chasing you, then I do the double back' where he comes around the corner only to learn he is heading toward me. Think deer in the headlights look, but with an instant tear.
2 to 3 min


I tell him to say goodnight to my dad (peepaw) : this typically commences with a plea for one more cartoon. The drama he infuses is superb. My dad is so weak and gullible that he doesn't take my side on the vast majority of occasions

2 to 3 min if weeknight... 30 to 60 min if its a weekend

I lie in bed with him as he plees for assistance from any local passer by's. This is probably the most annoying part of the process.

5 to 10 minutes

Sing one or two songs. I prefer the beatles, he prefers that I stop and interrupts me every 10 seconds.

5 to 7 minutes

This is where the negotiations begins. He is no longer in panic and screaming mode and like the proverbial Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde he changes personalities to suit the situation.

I think his logic is something along the lines of "Ok I can see you aren't going to respond to this method so let's try another"

Him: "Daddy"
Me :"yes Son:
Him: "I need water"
Me: "No you don't"
Repeat this 3 times

Just when I start to think, he may actually be thirsty... maybe I should fill his sippie cup. He makes a very fatal error.

Him: "Daddy"
Me: "Yes Son"
Him: "I need a flashlight"

Once he started changing topics I know he is just trying to adapt and negotiate. He's learning quick. If only he knew that he was one or two more questions from getting the water, he could have bought a few more minutes before bedtime (which apparently is worth a lot to him).

This tactic is often followed by his favorite "go-to" move that often gets him out on parole.

Him: "Daddy"
Me: "Yes"
Him: "I gotta go peepee"
Me:......um....hmmm... No.
Him: "Daddy"
Me: " Yes... yes son... how can I be of service to you on this fine evening?"
Him: "I gotta go poo poo"
Me:...argh...( I usually have to contemplate an advanced algorithm which goes something like this: [(amount of food consumed) / Fiber content (e.g. Beans)] - (Hours since last BM - 6) : If value > or = 0 then it's a 67% chance he will crap his diaper at some point during the night. If memory serves me correct, he usually has this kind of ironic smirk when I get there in the morning to see him lying comfortabbly lying in the soon to be trashed blankets. The smirk says "I'm so dreadfully sorry father, I warned you but you neglected me. I tried to hold it as long as I could...please forgive me".

Me:...answer is 3.4..... OK, but you better not be bluffing

I can see the look of victory in his eyes. He cheerfully strolls to the restroom. His instantaneous good mood is incredulous. Reminds me of the time I showed up for jury duty only to find out the case had been settled out of court. The air seemed so crisp and fresh when I walked out of the courthouse (by the way, the case was supposed to last a week).

Note to self, next time jury selection is down to me and 1 other person... suck it up and crap my pants. Act like nothing happened even after the fact. Then express surprise when I wasn't selected.

Second note to self.... don't wear my nice pants on that day.

Black Friday

Maybe its the fact that I no longer live in my own place and don't have room for my current possessions
Maybe it's the fact that I have two children.
Maybe its the fact (well if they are both in day care), I no longer possess much of what economist call 'discretionary income' because of the kids.
Maybe it's the fact that I am no longer married and thus no longer feel the overwhelming urge to spoil my spouse.
Maybe its the fact that I am mid thirties and just don't care enough to save a few bucks
Maybe its the fact that when I do the math I'm not saving money by spending 4 hours to save 100 bucks.

It could very well be a combination of all the above. But in any case, I can't seem to motivate myself to take advantage of Black Friday sales. Perhaps I am going through a natural evolution where the true meaning of Christmas has finally clicked and I'm sick and tired of every other conversation after thanksgiving revolving or alluding to who is getting what gift and where we can find it on sale. I breathed a sigh of relief when my nieces agreed to do a white elephant (or Dirty Santa) gift exchange instead of the traditional or even name drawing approach. I feel blessed that no one called me a grinch, rather they agreed immediately that this was best for everyone. One exception that is implied is that mom and dad still need to get everyone a gift. After all, they are older, less broke and …well, you can't take it with you right?

I'm quite certain I will be the recipient of similar expectations when I am in their role. One way to break that cycle is when my kids are on christmas break from college or on parole, I will buy them a gift that will be so bad that they will be the ones saying, really dad….you shouldn't. "It's an all inclusive hotel, drinks, meals even massages are included!" I will shout aloud. "The whole family is coming and we are driving there …together… as a family… in the un- air conditioned mini van I bought from Chicko for a grand (ok keep in mind that this is 16 years from now and with inflation thats like 400 bucks today). Son: "Dad, that dude was a pimp and we have found 4 used syringes, and even more condoms as well as a loaded handgun. And that was on the two occasions we agreed to ride to church with you". Me: "alleged pimp and that gun saved my life when I killed your two cats that were infested with rabies and cooties. It had to be done I mean.. I'm pretty sure they were acting like old yeller and.. well I didn't feel right asking you to do it so I took it upon myself" Son: "They were sleeping next to me in my bed". Me: "Ya, its best that way, no wasted ammo although… in hindsight…. maybe I should have woke you up first". Daughter: "Dad, it's Christmas, and this hotel is in a district outside of Detroit. Do you really think this is a good idea?". Me: "Well Scrooge Mc Grinch…your boyfriend didn't seem to object when I mailed him a flight ticket and told him how important it was that you meet us there. His flight should be taking off now so we will need to get moving so he doesn't have to wait more than one day at the airport. Also, in an effort for us to learn more about the local culture I have arranged tours of abandoned car factories which will have slight breaks that involve a time share pitch for condemned condos".

Ohh to see the smiles on their faces the following year when I say, "Instead of doing gifts, we could all just all go out to eat. I'm thinking somewhere special..maybe Applebees. I just sold some plasma".