Hire Education

Last Saturday I had the good fortune of attending a breastfeeding class. A great number of things run through my head with that statement. I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I had made a deal with Lindsay that I would go to the class if she wanted me to. Just before we arrived she told me that if there were no other men in the class that I could hang out at Starbucks and work on my blog. Upon arriving, we scanned the room and there was one man. We took our seats and I looked at him and said "Good Morning", but my eyes said "Thanks for coming a-hole". "Good morning" he replied, but his eyes said "I'm missing the game". He appeared uncomfortable during the entire class (2 and a half hours). In fact if there were a male equivalent for labor pains, he seemed to be experiencing them.
Our instructor (Gale) mentioned she was in her 50’s and had been a lactation consultant for many years. Gale began class by asking if we had any concerns about breastfeeding. The first couple said “I heard it hurts”. And most of the questions and replies that followed concerned pain. The one exception being Jane (See the Lamaze story) who asked “How soon can I go back to work?”. I’m not sure how this relates to the topic, but nonetheless Gale handled it quite professionally. There was also an Asian couple who had attended the Lamaze class with us. What English the husband spoke was very broken and the woman never spoke. Given the array of medical terms, I can’t help but wonder how little they understood. When Gale asked them if they had any concerns the husband asked “How do you hold a baby?”. There are a number of things that went through my head at that point. Among them was the undeniable concern that they may not have realized what class they had signed up for. This was reiterated when four hours later in our baby safety class Gale asked the same couple if they had any concerns regarding baby safety and the husband asked “How do you hold a baby?”. Props to Gale for not rolling her eyes as so many of us did.
There was something so simplistic about the act of watching Gale handle the cotton boob and feeding a doll. I could bore you to tears with facts about breastfeeding, but here are two facts you may want to take note of. The average cost of feeding a baby formula for one year is around $1600. The average baby who is formula fed will incur $800 more dollars in medical expenses in their first year than one who is breast fed (this is due to the natural antibodies in mothers milk) making the annual savings over 2000$. The other fact regarded the decreased likelihood of SIDS. I won’t repeat the exact numbers without a citation, but they were so astounding that I asked Gale to confirm the numbers after class and she stated that she had read the study in a Lamaze magazine.
What you want more facts? OK, it can stay in the freezer for 6 months, but must be used within 24 hours of being thawed. If the baby drinks milk out of a bottle and doesn’t finish it within 2 hours, throw it out (this is due to the enzymes in the air bubbles). As far as baby safety, just remember that if it fits in a toilet paper roll, the baby can swallow it.
While all these do’s and don’ts can be a bit overwhelming I recall that my parents had a different philosophy. I think it was something along the lines of “If it doesn’t kill them (and it may) they will be a better person for having learned their lessons early. Two quick stories from my childhood:
1: My youngest brother (still in diapers) would try to stab our unblocked power outlets with a fork. I would freak out and repeatedly yank the fork out of his hand. One afternoon my dad was home and as I went to stop my brother, Dad held me back and said to leave him be. About 20 seconds later there was a scream. My brother ran to my dad crying and dad simply stated “You won’t do that again will you”. The answer could be seen as he was breathing in for his next scream while nodding his head no.
2: During a four hour road trip to a hotel which we heard had a pool, I repeatedly fanaticized aloud to my brother how I would run and jump into the pool and swim across. I could hardly wait to get there and prove how serious I was. There was only one problem, I was 4 years old and couldn’t swim. After what seemed like the longest check in ever, I recall seeing the pool and running towards it. I felt the fear but did not stop. I jumped in and what followed was two minutes of sinking and gasping for air. By the time I had doubled back to the wall I had swallowed my weight in water. I looked up and my dad was staring at me. With one arm he pulled me out and after I had recovered he asked me what I was thinking.
Notice that in both of these experiences, there was no direct intervention, rather dad seemed to believe that the best lessons in life came with a mark. I suppose that’s part of my dna now and most likely why I always prefer to try things just to learn the lessons it will teach me. When people mention their stories and proverbial scars, I don’t follow up by saying “Wow, that’s great”, but rather “What did you learn”, or “How would you do it differently”.
Saturday’s classes taught me some facts and methods, but I am still a believer in tough love. That doesn’t mean I can’t be safe, but at least now I can have a better guess as to when I should interfere.

Lamaze Classes : Daddy’s List

Checking In
Last weekend we attended a six hour lamaze class. We chose this pace as opposed to four weeks of one and a half hour sessions. At 8:30 am on Saturday morning we entered the class room. We signed in and were offered complimentary snacks. Considering the class was advertised as an opportunity to achieve a healthy delivery, I was a bit surprised that the snacks were Little Debbie’s and mini powdered doughnuts. There were about a dozen mom-to-be’s in attendance. Some were mid way, others were due at any time (One was scheduled check in to the hospital later that afternoon).
It’s All Relative
As a supportive husband, it was refreshing to see some of the other men doing the same. Some of the mothers were not married, and had brought their friend or mother. One mom in particular, we’ll call her Jane, would drop subtle hints as to her marital status with comments like “The babies first name is Austin, I’m not sure what his last name should be” and “I don’t care if I am in labor when those papers come, I’m signin em”. Jane’s mom would just look at us with a blank stare and say things like “We can’t wait to have our first grandchild”. When our instructor asked us to elaborate on what we were looking forward to doing with our child Lindsay simply stated that she was dying to “just hold it”. I stated that I was looking forward to playing with baby lucas in the back yard. I often picture a miniature park on my back lawn that we walk through together. When I was a kid, mom put us outside and locked the door. We had trees and a creek within walking distance (no playground). Unsupervised we would construct everything from the most unsafe tree houses ever built to booby traps. We designed these traps specifically to trap anything that could not get out of a 6 inch deep hole in the ground which was cleverly covered with pine straw. ‘No traps’ I wrote on my sheet of paper labeled “Notes for Daddy”. “Tree houses are OK if built to code and no higher than 5 feet off the ground”. Really, what were we thinking? I massage the rib that met with a branch that broke my fall from a tall pine tree.
Kristen (she was there with her masseuse / boyfriend) stated that she wasn’t sure what she looking forward to doing with the baby because it was such a surprise that she hadn’t had time to think about it. I began to wonder if Lamaze was simply a way of attaining affordable group therapy. Jane’s response was that she was mostly excited about not being pregnant anymore, “It’s like there’s a 12 pack taped to stomach”. Again her mom spoke up saying “we have all sorts of toys for the baby, we even have two different high chairs”. Our instructor asked Jane’s mom if the class brought back memories and she responded “No, she’s adopted”.
My Role
The topics ranged from labor pains to special needs infants. When the topic of epidurals came up, we were informed of the risk and hazards of epidurals. Jane asked if she could fill out the paperwork ahead of time. After lunch we went through breathing exercises. Good air comes in the through the nose, pain and bad air goes out through the mouth. To say the videos were realistic would be an understatement. We saw several babies entering the world through…..the birth canal. We saw C sections etc. If anything, the class was a reality check and would make for a good sex education class. The Hollywood version of a baby being born is not in fact the norm. Labor pains do not end when you get to the hospital and the moms aren’t smiling at seven centimeters (Water breaks early only 10% of the time) . “Ouch”, I thought, she’s going to be able to hold this over my head for a while. I made a daddy note that said “wash dishes for the entire week after the baby is born”. Yes, this is good, I am a good person and a great husband. I will have made sacrifices the equivalent of giving birth by doing this chore for a week. I may even reveal this to her at 10 centimeters so that the pain will virtually disappear.
Demographics
While waiting to see our doctor to get our first ultrasound I observed the clientele. It was 9:00 in the morning and I told Lindsay “It’s like someone turned on the lights in a honky tonk bar”. In the case of our Lamaze class, it was more like a dance club. The kind of dance club you usually go to after the cool ones have closed. I noticed that the three women who were single all had tattoos on their lower back. The modern term for this is a ‘tramp stamp’. At a 100% correlation of tattoos to ‘surprise ‘ pregnancies, I wrote in my notebook “No tattoos….none!). To reinforce this point I mentioned it to Lindsay and she agreed. I recline on to my exercise pad and breathe in the positive energy air through my nose. “This is going to be great” I say to myself. I visualize my child sitting on a swing with me as I quiz them.
Me : What happens when you eat cookie dough?
Baby Lucas : It gives you worms!
Me : What happens when you get a tattoo:
Baby Lucas : You get herpes!!
Me: What state is Disneyworld in?
Baby Lucas : There is no such thing!