Last night I was laying ...lying... in bed with Daniel and trying to coax him into sleep. The pattern goes something like this.
I tell him it's time to go to bed and he runs in the opposite direction like a hunted deer (takes 2 to 3 minutes to catch him). This chase typically ends with the old 'I'm chasing you, then I do the double back' where he comes around the corner only to learn he is heading toward me. Think deer in the headlights look, but with an instant tear.
2 to 3 min
I tell him to say goodnight to my dad (peepaw) : this typically commences with a plea for one more cartoon. The drama he infuses is superb. My dad is so weak and gullible that he doesn't take my side on the vast majority of occasions
2 to 3 min if weeknight... 30 to 60 min if its a weekend
I lie in bed with him as he plees for assistance from any local passer by's. This is probably the most annoying part of the process.
5 to 10 minutes
Sing one or two songs. I prefer the beatles, he prefers that I stop and interrupts me every 10 seconds.
5 to 7 minutes
This is where the negotiations begins. He is no longer in panic and screaming mode and like the proverbial Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde he changes personalities to suit the situation.
I think his logic is something along the lines of "Ok I can see you aren't going to respond to this method so let's try another"
Him: "Daddy"
Me :"yes Son:
Him: "I need water"
Me: "No you don't"
Repeat this 3 times
Just when I start to think, he may actually be thirsty... maybe I should fill his sippie cup. He makes a very fatal error.
Him: "Daddy"
Me: "Yes Son"
Him: "I need a flashlight"
Once he started changing topics I know he is just trying to adapt and negotiate. He's learning quick. If only he knew that he was one or two more questions from getting the water, he could have bought a few more minutes before bedtime (which apparently is worth a lot to him).
This tactic is often followed by his favorite "go-to" move that often gets him out on parole.
Him: "Daddy"
Me: "Yes"
Him: "I gotta go peepee"
Me:......um....hmmm... No.
Him: "Daddy"
Me: " Yes... yes son... how can I be of service to you on this fine evening?"
Him: "I gotta go poo poo"
Me:...argh...( I usually have to contemplate an advanced algorithm which goes something like this: [(amount of food consumed) / Fiber content (e.g. Beans)] - (Hours since last BM - 6) : If value > or = 0 then it's a 67% chance he will crap his diaper at some point during the night. If memory serves me correct, he usually has this kind of ironic smirk when I get there in the morning to see him lying comfortabbly lying in the soon to be trashed blankets. The smirk says "I'm so dreadfully sorry father, I warned you but you neglected me. I tried to hold it as long as I could...please forgive me".
Me:...answer is 3.4..... OK, but you better not be bluffing
I can see the look of victory in his eyes. He cheerfully strolls to the restroom. His instantaneous good mood is incredulous. Reminds me of the time I showed up for jury duty only to find out the case had been settled out of court. The air seemed so crisp and fresh when I walked out of the courthouse (by the way, the case was supposed to last a week).
Note to self, next time jury selection is down to me and 1 other person... suck it up and crap my pants. Act like nothing happened even after the fact. Then express surprise when I wasn't selected.
Second note to self.... don't wear my nice pants on that day.
