Negotiations 081 : Lessons from a Toddler

Last night I was laying ...lying... in bed with Daniel and trying to coax him into sleep. The pattern goes something like this.

I tell him it's time to go to bed and he runs in the opposite direction like a hunted deer (takes 2 to 3 minutes to catch him). This chase typically ends with the old 'I'm chasing you, then I do the double back' where he comes around the corner only to learn he is heading toward me. Think deer in the headlights look, but with an instant tear.
2 to 3 min


I tell him to say goodnight to my dad (peepaw) : this typically commences with a plea for one more cartoon. The drama he infuses is superb. My dad is so weak and gullible that he doesn't take my side on the vast majority of occasions

2 to 3 min if weeknight... 30 to 60 min if its a weekend

I lie in bed with him as he plees for assistance from any local passer by's. This is probably the most annoying part of the process.

5 to 10 minutes

Sing one or two songs. I prefer the beatles, he prefers that I stop and interrupts me every 10 seconds.

5 to 7 minutes

This is where the negotiations begins. He is no longer in panic and screaming mode and like the proverbial Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde he changes personalities to suit the situation.

I think his logic is something along the lines of "Ok I can see you aren't going to respond to this method so let's try another"

Him: "Daddy"
Me :"yes Son:
Him: "I need water"
Me: "No you don't"
Repeat this 3 times

Just when I start to think, he may actually be thirsty... maybe I should fill his sippie cup. He makes a very fatal error.

Him: "Daddy"
Me: "Yes Son"
Him: "I need a flashlight"

Once he started changing topics I know he is just trying to adapt and negotiate. He's learning quick. If only he knew that he was one or two more questions from getting the water, he could have bought a few more minutes before bedtime (which apparently is worth a lot to him).

This tactic is often followed by his favorite "go-to" move that often gets him out on parole.

Him: "Daddy"
Me: "Yes"
Him: "I gotta go peepee"
Me:......um....hmmm... No.
Him: "Daddy"
Me: " Yes... yes son... how can I be of service to you on this fine evening?"
Him: "I gotta go poo poo"
Me:...argh...( I usually have to contemplate an advanced algorithm which goes something like this: [(amount of food consumed) / Fiber content (e.g. Beans)] - (Hours since last BM - 6) : If value > or = 0 then it's a 67% chance he will crap his diaper at some point during the night. If memory serves me correct, he usually has this kind of ironic smirk when I get there in the morning to see him lying comfortabbly lying in the soon to be trashed blankets. The smirk says "I'm so dreadfully sorry father, I warned you but you neglected me. I tried to hold it as long as I could...please forgive me".

Me:...answer is 3.4..... OK, but you better not be bluffing

I can see the look of victory in his eyes. He cheerfully strolls to the restroom. His instantaneous good mood is incredulous. Reminds me of the time I showed up for jury duty only to find out the case had been settled out of court. The air seemed so crisp and fresh when I walked out of the courthouse (by the way, the case was supposed to last a week).

Note to self, next time jury selection is down to me and 1 other person... suck it up and crap my pants. Act like nothing happened even after the fact. Then express surprise when I wasn't selected.

Second note to self.... don't wear my nice pants on that day.

Black Friday

Maybe its the fact that I no longer live in my own place and don't have room for my current possessions
Maybe it's the fact that I have two children.
Maybe its the fact (well if they are both in day care), I no longer possess much of what economist call 'discretionary income' because of the kids.
Maybe it's the fact that I am no longer married and thus no longer feel the overwhelming urge to spoil my spouse.
Maybe its the fact that I am mid thirties and just don't care enough to save a few bucks
Maybe its the fact that when I do the math I'm not saving money by spending 4 hours to save 100 bucks.

It could very well be a combination of all the above. But in any case, I can't seem to motivate myself to take advantage of Black Friday sales. Perhaps I am going through a natural evolution where the true meaning of Christmas has finally clicked and I'm sick and tired of every other conversation after thanksgiving revolving or alluding to who is getting what gift and where we can find it on sale. I breathed a sigh of relief when my nieces agreed to do a white elephant (or Dirty Santa) gift exchange instead of the traditional or even name drawing approach. I feel blessed that no one called me a grinch, rather they agreed immediately that this was best for everyone. One exception that is implied is that mom and dad still need to get everyone a gift. After all, they are older, less broke and …well, you can't take it with you right?

I'm quite certain I will be the recipient of similar expectations when I am in their role. One way to break that cycle is when my kids are on christmas break from college or on parole, I will buy them a gift that will be so bad that they will be the ones saying, really dad….you shouldn't. "It's an all inclusive hotel, drinks, meals even massages are included!" I will shout aloud. "The whole family is coming and we are driving there …together… as a family… in the un- air conditioned mini van I bought from Chicko for a grand (ok keep in mind that this is 16 years from now and with inflation thats like 400 bucks today). Son: "Dad, that dude was a pimp and we have found 4 used syringes, and even more condoms as well as a loaded handgun. And that was on the two occasions we agreed to ride to church with you". Me: "alleged pimp and that gun saved my life when I killed your two cats that were infested with rabies and cooties. It had to be done I mean.. I'm pretty sure they were acting like old yeller and.. well I didn't feel right asking you to do it so I took it upon myself" Son: "They were sleeping next to me in my bed". Me: "Ya, its best that way, no wasted ammo although… in hindsight…. maybe I should have woke you up first". Daughter: "Dad, it's Christmas, and this hotel is in a district outside of Detroit. Do you really think this is a good idea?". Me: "Well Scrooge Mc Grinch…your boyfriend didn't seem to object when I mailed him a flight ticket and told him how important it was that you meet us there. His flight should be taking off now so we will need to get moving so he doesn't have to wait more than one day at the airport. Also, in an effort for us to learn more about the local culture I have arranged tours of abandoned car factories which will have slight breaks that involve a time share pitch for condemned condos".

Ohh to see the smiles on their faces the following year when I say, "Instead of doing gifts, we could all just all go out to eat. I'm thinking somewhere special..maybe Applebees. I just sold some plasma".

Baby Sadie Has Arrived

It started slowly with a light contraction just after 4:00 am Thursday October 28'th. By 8:00 am we realized we had to go to pack for the hospital quicky, (last time we stayed at the house for several hours as the contractions progressed). When we arrived at the hospital just after 9:30 Lindsay was in a great deal of pain and the nurse told her she was at 6cm.

To put this in perspective, based on the last delivery, Lindsay would have had 5 or 6 more hours of labor before delivery. The contractions intensified over the next 30 minutes and once we determined we weren't going to be able to wait for our doctor a substitute was provided. With 3 quick pushes baby Sadie was delivered (10:57 am). "It's a girl!" I shouted as soon as the last push reveled it and just like that, Lindsay was back to normal. She is a real trouper as this was her second natural delivery.

Thanks to all the wonderful family and friends who have visited us and sent their letters with words of support (sometimes in the form of Starbucks gift cards). We love you all and we are truly greatful for our new healthy baby girl.

Did I mention that I really, really, really wanted to have a girl this time?

Naked Time and Other Crazy Adventures - by Lindsay Lucas

It never ceases to amaze me what Daniel Paul will think of next. I have recently witnessed him spinning in circles until he is so dizzy he bounces off his crib, the toy box and the door frame before following me out of his room. At this point I insist on carrying him down the stairs…as if that would be in question. Also, he has a new fascination with taking off his clothes and his diaper. He doesn’t have the opportunity often so its usually when I put him down for a nap and or down to bed at night. I went to get him from his nap on Saturday and when I opened his door his was giving me a full moon. Another puzzling moment came after I put him down for bed on Friday. It had been a long and exhausting day for the both of us between going to the pool with a friend and the volunteer party for the triathlon that we attended and which began at his usual bedtime. Needless to say it was not easy for him to just hunker down and go to sleep. After a few minutes he began a small rant which is not uncommon but the way he was ranting was. I went to check on him. It was too dark to see him when I entered his room. As I walked over to his crib and reached in to sooth him, I noticed he had made his way under the fitted sheet with the sheet still tightly intact on his mattress. It was almost like he was trying to find his way out of a collapsed tent. I cannot figure out how he managed to do this but am still working through possible scenarios to help me think of ways to prevent his doing this. I check on him every night before I go to sleep as most parents probably do but made particular care to visually see him sleeping on top of the sheet before I could go to bed myself.

The Next Step

The Next Step


Everyone knows about the major milestones, baby sits upright, baby is able to eat foods other than milk, and of course babies first steps. As a parent you become aware of the cognitive and physical changes that occur on a much more frequent basis. At 18 months, Daniel is fulfilling the stereotype that is so commonly associated with little boys. He is fully capable of emulating the Tasmanian devil for weeks at a time. It starts with a glint in his eye that can signal several things (I’m about to fill my diaper, I am going to break something, I can feel no pain and I wish to prove it or in some cases a combination of all three). He yells a bellowing whale and attempts to hold the note (Pavarotti would be proud) and sprints through rooms grabbing and throwing whatever gets in his way (Mike Tyson would be impressed). There are exceptions; he will sometimes pause if one of his favorite shows is on. He stares at his show like a deer or opossum in headlights then looks back at me with the same glint in his eye and resumes his terror sprints.

Typically no major damage in incurred. If something is stacked, e.g. my eight containers of varying types of protein shakes, he will ensure that they all end up on the floor sideways. One reason that he targets these containers is because I have never laid down the law about them being off limits. I honestly don’t mind until I’m running late for work the next morning and can’t find the darn scoop so I have to stick my arm in the powder till I find it. An hour later I greet my boss as I’m running down the hallway and I get strange looks that seem to suggest “Slow down, dust the cocaine of your arm and act like a rational person”. After three meetings with my HR manager I have agreed to set aside a designated scoop. It will be labeled “In the case of a terror sprint, please use the designated scoop in this Ziploc”.

“Baby Proofing” is a verb. It’s like having a clean house, a good marriage or being in great shape, to get there or stay there you can never stop working. The older he gets, the more we have to adapt our safety strategy. What seems so natural and intuitive to adults is today’s experiment for him. For example, when we went to the beach last week I was focused on ensuring that Daniel didn’t get too close to the ocean without supervision. I sit back, enjoy the breeze and take in the sights. I think to myself, perhaps it’s possible for Lindsay and I to enjoy a vacation with Daniel. Perhaps tonight we can go to a nice din…. Son! Spit out the sand!, No! The next few days of our trip were memorable, and at some times enjoyable, but I would not describe this as a vacation. Perhaps it is more of a distraction from work or everyday life, a very, very big distraction. After 3 days of this I found myself anxiously awaiting Daniel’s mid day nap so I could sit on the couch and read for a few minutes. By the time he went to bed in the evenings I had resigned myself to cleaning or doing a late night walk on the beach.

It is in these quiet moments that I am able to take a deep breath, relax and spend time reflecting on my issues and thoughts. I think to myself, am I truly stepping up to life’s challenges, am I making an effort to be a great husband, will I ever get promoted? With our next child due on Daniel’s second birthday (November 3’rd), I find myself thinking…..this baby had better be the calm one.

The Ever-changing Priorities of a Father

The Ever-changing Priorities of a Father

I am once again sharing a cramped backseat with my son. His new carseat seemed like such a good idea when we were preparing for our first roadtrip, but now I realize that it’s a great deal bigger than his old seat. I am counting my blessings because the added comfort has presumably assisted in helping him to drift off.
It’s hard to put things in perspective, but having a toddler fall asleep requires a sound strategy with timely execution. A few weeks ago we had picked our seats on the plane and we were entering our payment information when we stopped to discuss the logistics of the trip. “We will have to drive almost 2 hours to the airport and the tickets will total nearly 400 bucks”. It was at this time that the idea crept in. Sometimes frugality can disguise itself as innovation and you end up with saying the equivalent of “Yes, I know its round and it works, but if we can just invent a cheaper wheel think of the 4 dollars we can save”. It was settled, we would turn this into a good experience by visiting a friend that lives at the halfway mark between Ringgold, GA and Miami, FL. “Yes he’s an hour out of the way but that’s not that big of a deal; Ok maybe that’s two more hours on our trip but we’re a family and we are going to have a good time together or so help me!”

We planned to leave after work because we had learned that toddlers tend to travel better (sleep longer) when the roadtrips take place during the night. As of about an hour ago, this has held true. One good thing about this kid sofa is that it reclines and he seems to sleep a bit better. Fortunately when asked “Which one do you like honey, the cheap and affordable ‘no frills’ model or the baby seal skin car lounger complete with comfort padding, cup holder and a built in shiatsu massager for the long and hard days at the grandparents”, I deferred the decision back to her. She opted for the latter and had the new seat installed the next day.
Ahhh, I love it when planning pays off. While writing this I decided to take a nap (it’s about 10pm). I closed my laptop then my eyes and leaned back and thought, “I never get to sleep on road trips, I’m always navigating or driving”. But perhaps giving up the reins and relaxing is long overdue. It was about this time that Daniel woke up to find himself strapped into a seat. He was unhappy, very unhappy. Picture the scene in every King Kong movie where Kong is in chains and pulls and tugs on them with a look of confusion. His eyes seem to read “why are you doing this”, which is followed by the look that I see now “I will make you sorry for doing this”. Kong destroys New York, Daniel destroys our sanity. He roars and he howls endlessly. Initially I rubbed his hand and tried to coax him back to sleep and this was similar to when Kong’s love interest asking him to “not hurt anyone” or to “leave the city” in that both were seen as incongruent and meaningless meanderings. After about 30 minutes I realized he wasn’t going back to sleep. I pieced together the portable DVD player and began playing the Curious George movie. Instantly he was mesmerized, entertained and as a side effect, silent. This lasted for about 45 minutes at which point he began acting unruly. We take a deep breath and stare at the GPS double checking the distance to drive while hoping, wishing and praying that it has somehow miscalculated the arrival time and that we do not in fact have about 2 more hours to reach our destination. Tom Tom has not miscalculated our arrival time. We did not know that after getting off the interstate we would be going through 60 miles of roads with a 35 to 45 mph speed limit. A watched pot never boils and we watched intensely. When I called my friend Scott at 1 am in the morning to tell him we were 5 miles away he asked me “what is that loud noise”. I told him that my son was anxious to meet him.

I suppose that when you think about it, Kong, Curious George and my son are quite similar in that they are instinctual. They are curious and brave yet below the surface they are somewhat insecure. When a situation occurs that renders surprise without reassurance, they react out of fear. Jane (I can’t honestly recall the name of Kong’s love interest), the man with the yellow hat and Mommy (Lindsay) all represent a proverbial sanctuary of safety and security amidst a world of confusion and chaos. Is it any wonder that when I wake Daniel up in the morning he looks around with one eye open until he sees Lindsay at which point he fearlessly attempts to jump from my arms towards her. There is no fear of falling, only the fear that she will walk away without him. When they embrace at the start of each day the world slows for a nano second and in that moment, they are complete. I watch from a few feet away and while witnessing their happiness, I feel as though I have, at least to some extent, fulfilled my purpose. When it was just Lindsay and myself, I felt as though my primary responsibilities revolved around keeping her happy and making sure that she felt emotionally and financially secure. When I became a father, it was as if I became more primitive. I felt as though their security and safety were my primary objective and if I happened to make them happy in the process, better yet. I feel as though I have escalated up a basic, family version of Maslow’s Hierarchy.

While Lindsay patiently plays and nurtures Daniel, I watch from a distance much like Bambi’s father did in the infamous Disney movie. Where I was once indifferent on decisions I am now decisive and determined. I believe that once you truly know and understand your core principles, decisions become more clear cut. We are invited to a get together that is 4 hours away. After a few days I tell Lindsay that we will not attend because it’s a 2 hour event with a drive that’s four hours one way and our weekend would be shot for a relatively small payoff. A few days later I tell her that we will drive 13 hours one way to Miami to spend a week with Family. I have to use a week of vacation and we told them we couldn’t come this time last year because he was too young to travel, now is the time to fulfill our obligation.
I think about my mindset as I made that statement. I hold onto it, renew belief in it and agree with it. I do not do this just because a leader must stand by his decisions, but also because it adds purpose to the pain and thus makes it much easier to bear his long, loud, emotional and high pitched screaming tantrums.

The One Year Milestone

Wow!, One year, can you believe it's been that long, because I can. Seems like years since we slept in or had an evening at the house without the conversation topic being focused on diapers, baby food or whether we had packed his bag for tomorrow's trip to the grandparent's place.

Daniel started walking a few weeks ago, but now he doesn't really need a parent to coax him. He sees what he wants, pulls up and does his step-step then balance act. His favorite shows include baby Einstein, baby genius (can you catch the marketing trend here?), curious George and Sid the science kid. He sits or stands in his pack and play and watches memorized as George gets in another mess. Based on the cost of cleaning George's messes, I can only imagine that the man in the yellow hat is quite weatlthy, patient and forgetful. He seems to just trust that 'this time' George will stay out of trouble.

We recieved all sorts of toys at the birthday party with one common theme. They are all so very loud, bright and battery powered that an epilectic would cringe at the thought of allowing any one of these in their house. Daniel however seems amused, entertained and truly passionate about breaking each and every toy.