Growing Pains

As the countdown to our first child birth continues, I have noticed that I am suffering from some minor physical ailments. The common assumption and scientifically unproven theory, is that men suffer and in fact contract morning sickness. I have not found this to be the case with me, but many mothers and grandmothers swear that their hubbies ‘contracted’ morning sickness during their pregnancy. Sometimes it’s hard not to laugh when you hear things that are based on common misconceptions, but people react to what their environment and experience encourages. Probably the most common example of this is the ‘cure-all’ elixirs that were sold during the first half of this century. They were supposed to cure colds, headaches, cancer, athlete’s foot etc. People would buy them, drink them and presumably enjoy the effects of the placebo and high alcohol content. The sad part about this is that people never really caught on to the scam, rather during Teddy Roosevelt’s presidency he required that the government approve certain foods and their effects. The same crap is still sold today, only on the back of the bottle it will state that it is not FDA approved. I am reminded of how gullible people are when I see things for sale like “High- Definition Sunglasses” which allow you to see the world in HD (http://www.seen-on-tv.ws/hd-vision/hdvision.html).

I don’t think people are dumb for believing or buying wife’s tales and crap products, because in their experience it may have proven helpful. One of my earliest work experiences was as a cashier at a drugstore named “Revco”. I asked the Pharmacist what the difference, (other than price), between a particular generic and the name brand product was. He responded that people often like to ‘feel’ they are getting their money’s worth and that some people ‘believe’ in a particular brand. It didn’t take long for me to understand that when people believe something works, they will find ways to reinforce this believe and perhaps just as importantly, they will ignore many things that imply they are incorrect. A common example of this is when I watch someone root for their favorite college team. It seems that the same call can be interpreted in several ways. Fans will emphasize anything that represents poor conduct by the opposition and darn near ignore the same effects vice versa. After working in a statistical role I find myself always questioning causation. Recently my wife and I returned from the grocery store and the dogs were (as always) very excited to see us. I had bought them a new treat and was looking through the plastic bags that littered my counter for a few of them. Just before I gave it to Dolly (my female dog) she threw up in the kitchen. After cleaning the mess I mentioned that had I given the treat to her a few minutes earlier we may have improperly assumed that the treat had made her sick. In all actuality Dolly had simply eaten too much food too quickly and the excitement of our arrival allowed us to see firsthand, just how much she had eaten. In an unrelated incident, a friend of mine who did not smoke cigars, decided to try one. A few days later he developed Bells Palsy (A mysterious disease which causes half of your face to lose feeling for varying amounts of time). Now, the very mention of a cigar causes him to sweat and panic.

Most likely, the issues that some individuals presume to be morning sickness are in fact the overwhelming issues / reality that accompany the fact that as a man, your role and responsibilities are about to increase dramatically. This realization can surface in a multitude of ways, namely nausea, eye twitching, headaches, vomiting, etc. In my case, I have experienced a change in my demeanor as well as some increased tendencies towards nesting. In terms of my demeanor, I have become softer. I tend to be more emotional about certain things that, in the past, I would have rolled my eyes at. I suppose that the bond I have formed with my unborn child has solidified such that I can now relate to situations I was formerly unable to. This newfound tendency surfaces with that tiny ache you feel between your chin and neck when you experience something that could lead to a highly emotional state or even tears. For obvios reasons we will call this condition “tenderitus” which occurs in the “neckchineus” region. Movies that would have drawn nary a furrowed brow now leave me momentarily exhausted and breathless. I have become the equivalent of a mountain man injected with estrogen in that I am confused by my own reactions. Such was the case when watching “The Lives of Others”, a movie based around the time the Berlin wall fell (Yes, it’s in German). I suppose this revelation is a good thing. I knew that my child would teach me many things; however I falsely assumed the lessons would start after the baby was born. My newfound estrogen may be what helps me to deal with some of Lindsay’s chemical induced moments. They tend to be quick, loud and over issues that would have otherwise been ignored (prior to the pregnancy). The irony here is that due to the pregnancy, Lindsay’s reactions have become more temperamental where as I have become more emotion-full. At the same time, she is increasingly maternal and I have a greater resolve towards being the provider and role model. Oddly enough, in the animal kingdom, only a select few Male’s feel the need to provide for their young. In almost all cases the male moves on to other things while the mother provides, trains and protects her young. With the exception of a cousin of the prairie dog, (due to its enhanced amygdale), no animal strives to maintain a family.

Being afflicted with tenderitus is most likely a new stage of learning that can only come with new experiences. I was thinking last night about what developments the future may hold for my child to experience. In the future, it is ration to assume that people will forget what it was like to be bald or have acne and a muscular frame may be a pill away, but it is unlikely that true confidence and experience can be synthesized. It is these experiences which are the foundation for greater understanding and appreciation for everyday experiences. Five years ago I had no desire to be away from my computer for any more than a few hours. I would contemplate camping with my portable dvd player and a mobile wireless card for my laptop (ahhhh….endless connectivity). Now I find that I have a great appreciation for the simplicity of the great outdoors with as little of modern day conveniences as possible (My Blackberry and I have a very independent relationship). I am changing, evolving and possibly improving. I have learned so much in the last 10 years that even I realize that teenagers are (for the most part) trend following lemmings. As far as the wives tales, don’t give me too much credit. After reading that eggplant parmesan has a high affiliation with inducing labor within 48 hours of being consumed (this of course, on the company’s website), Lindsay and I drove to Provino’s for an eggplant parmesan to-go. At this point the baby weight is estimated to be 7 and a half pounds. The thought of buying a 12$ meal vs the possibility of having to comfort Lindsay while delivering a 10 pound baby (it’s looking like it could be as much as three more weeks) made this an easy decision. Besides, we agreed that if there’s no action by Thursday we’re both drinking Castor oil…….Yuck!

The Need for Structure : Draw the Line, Walk the Line or Walk Home

Who Has the Time?
It seems that our schedule is becoming continuously crowded. For every item we check off of our BB (Before Birth) list, two things are added. Most recently, Lindsay asked me if I was ready to meet the Dr. on Monday. I said, “yes, but that’s next Monday”. “No”, she replied, “That’s our Dr.’s appointment for the ultrasound, we have to meet and interview our potential pediatrician, you remember right?” “Ohhh…that….Ummmmm, No” I replied. My plans for catching up at home and relaxing are once again delayed. People stop me every hour and remind me that once the baby is born, there is no time for anything. “You won’t get any sleep, silence or time to yourself”, I am told. I know this to be true, but at the same time, what can you do? I have already committed to this, we are past the point of no return yet I am reminded of ‘just what I have gotten myself into’ on a regular basis. Our love for our children motivates us to do things we would never have done otherwise, perhaps not even for our spouse. The sacrifices that parents must endure daily are some of the most difficult in that they are never really recognized by anyone.
An Act of Fatherly Love
As a child I lived for candy. The glimmer in my eye when seeing fresh candy and having a dollar in my pocket was something that can only be compared to my uncle Otis walking into a liquor store with his first credit card. My first lesson in finance came in the form of buying gumballs at 3 cents apiece. I would slowly purchase three at a time as to avoid the 1 cent tax that one would incur when surpassing the ten cent barrier. So frugal, so patient, so annoying, my dad would be proud. My youngest brother’s favorite candy was fireballs. My dad would suck the hot part off of them then give then back to him so he could have the equivalent of a sugar flavored jawbreaker. Ever curious, he would suck on the fireball then take it out and look at it and go back to sucking. One day he ran past me and towards dad and yelled “It’s stuck in my nose!! The fireball is stuck in my nose!!”. Dad worked feverishly trying to grasp the ball, but it had worked its way deep into the nasal cavity. After a few minutes of failed attempts, dad seemed to stare into space. I recall the silence which felt like several minutes, but was most likely around 10 seconds. Dad grabbed my brother’s head and held it to the floor, put his mouth over the blocked nostril and sucked…….
Friends of the family would go on to refer to this incident as “an act of true fatherly love”. What most people don’t know is that dad pretty much refused to take us to the hospital for anything. That meant that with very few exceptions, everything had to be resolved at home. I’m not sure if this was because my dad thought all doctors were quacks, or because he was just so cheap; perhaps a combination of the two. Whether or not you agree with your parents is rather insignificant in terms of outcomes. Most parents, and grandparents for that that matter, are going to do what they want with little to no consideration of outside opinions. On the rare occurrence they do not, it is usually out of love. Love can cause one to do what they would have otherwise refused. Parents unfamiliar with this concept are most likely those who opt for convenience and yes, we all know they are out there. Perhaps they are your neighbor who watches passively as their kids engage in mischief then years later complains to you that their kids can’t “seem to stay out of jail for more than a few weeks”. Perhaps it is the executive down the hall who has worked no less than ten hours a day for the last ten years in order to get ahead and “provide a better life for their family and children”. Either way, at some point they prioritized their own agenda over that of their children’s such that the outcome may substantiate in multiple generations. I say this not out of criticism or condescension but rather out of praise for those parents who take the high road.

Drawing the Line
We all know that there is no manual for parenting, but there is common sense and in fact resources that may help you along the way. And you don’t need a manual to tell you that within reason, you get what you give. I say this cautiously because for every parent that neglects their children there is one that “spares the rod and spoils the child”. We all have our soft moments, but there are a number of issues in which wavering can be interpreted as weakness. In my humble experience I have learned that children who do not know boundaries are prone to chaos. How one forms and enforces the boundaries is subjective, the fact that it should be done is not. When there are no boundaries sacrifice is both null and counter intuitive as there is no point of reference for the act to be judged against. Picture yourself offering your child the reward of a happy meal if they do their chores. One thing leads to another, cartoons come on, a friend comes over, etc. and for one reason or another the chores are incomplete. Later that afternoon as you are running errands, you pass by McDonalds and after multiple pleas for food (and the toy that comes with it) you go through the drive through and buy a happy meal (now maybe you can have a few minutes of silence). This is counter intuitive on multiple levels and you are more or less saying that your earlier declaration was in fact, null and void. My parents were not in this boat. My mom would have pulled into McDonalds, ordered a happy meal, and then proceed to eat it in front of me and tell me how good it is.

Walking HomeWe had a White Foods grocery store in our home town. It was about three miles from our house. My brother and I would look at magazines the whole time mom shopped. Mostly we would look through the Beckett magazine to see how much our key baseball cards were worth. When she was ready to go, Mom would check out and leave. If you weren’t in the car, you were left behind. She got past me and my brother one time and we ran into the parking lot. We saw the car, and waited for a half hour before finding out that she had gone to another store in the same parking lot. “Oh hey, I was wondering what happened to you two” she said as she tucked her receipt into her purse. If she was worried, she did a fantastic job of covering it up. There was another occasion where I didn’t catch her in time and I saw the minivan leave the parking lot. I began walking home and about halfway my sister’s sister in law (from her husband at that time) picked me up. She asked me “How did you get downtown?” and I replied that my mom had left me there. She said that she was sure my mother was worried sick and probably looking all over for me and I told her, “Right, ummm, I think she’s probably calling around right now”. After being dropped off at home I went inside and when I tried to ask my mom why she left me, she kept giving me the “Just a minute” signal by holding up her index finger. She was on the phone with her sister in Florida and the conversation had nothing to do with my whereabouts.
This would not be the only time I was left behind or forgot about for that matter. But I always made a mental note to keep an eye on mom after that. If I saw her tilt her cart in the direction of a cashier, I put up my magazine and waited alongside her. What was frustrating about this was that many times she would remember something then go back into shopping mode for the next 20 minutes. One of my favorite things about getting a license was being able to tell my mother “I’ll meet you there”. Today when we are going to the same place, I tend to opt for self transportation (vs carpooling), but at 4 bucks a gallon I’m beginning to wonder, how bad would it be to walk home?