Lamaze Classes : Daddy’s List

Checking In
Last weekend we attended a six hour lamaze class. We chose this pace as opposed to four weeks of one and a half hour sessions. At 8:30 am on Saturday morning we entered the class room. We signed in and were offered complimentary snacks. Considering the class was advertised as an opportunity to achieve a healthy delivery, I was a bit surprised that the snacks were Little Debbie’s and mini powdered doughnuts. There were about a dozen mom-to-be’s in attendance. Some were mid way, others were due at any time (One was scheduled check in to the hospital later that afternoon).
It’s All Relative
As a supportive husband, it was refreshing to see some of the other men doing the same. Some of the mothers were not married, and had brought their friend or mother. One mom in particular, we’ll call her Jane, would drop subtle hints as to her marital status with comments like “The babies first name is Austin, I’m not sure what his last name should be” and “I don’t care if I am in labor when those papers come, I’m signin em”. Jane’s mom would just look at us with a blank stare and say things like “We can’t wait to have our first grandchild”. When our instructor asked us to elaborate on what we were looking forward to doing with our child Lindsay simply stated that she was dying to “just hold it”. I stated that I was looking forward to playing with baby lucas in the back yard. I often picture a miniature park on my back lawn that we walk through together. When I was a kid, mom put us outside and locked the door. We had trees and a creek within walking distance (no playground). Unsupervised we would construct everything from the most unsafe tree houses ever built to booby traps. We designed these traps specifically to trap anything that could not get out of a 6 inch deep hole in the ground which was cleverly covered with pine straw. ‘No traps’ I wrote on my sheet of paper labeled “Notes for Daddy”. “Tree houses are OK if built to code and no higher than 5 feet off the ground”. Really, what were we thinking? I massage the rib that met with a branch that broke my fall from a tall pine tree.
Kristen (she was there with her masseuse / boyfriend) stated that she wasn’t sure what she looking forward to doing with the baby because it was such a surprise that she hadn’t had time to think about it. I began to wonder if Lamaze was simply a way of attaining affordable group therapy. Jane’s response was that she was mostly excited about not being pregnant anymore, “It’s like there’s a 12 pack taped to stomach”. Again her mom spoke up saying “we have all sorts of toys for the baby, we even have two different high chairs”. Our instructor asked Jane’s mom if the class brought back memories and she responded “No, she’s adopted”.
My Role
The topics ranged from labor pains to special needs infants. When the topic of epidurals came up, we were informed of the risk and hazards of epidurals. Jane asked if she could fill out the paperwork ahead of time. After lunch we went through breathing exercises. Good air comes in the through the nose, pain and bad air goes out through the mouth. To say the videos were realistic would be an understatement. We saw several babies entering the world through…..the birth canal. We saw C sections etc. If anything, the class was a reality check and would make for a good sex education class. The Hollywood version of a baby being born is not in fact the norm. Labor pains do not end when you get to the hospital and the moms aren’t smiling at seven centimeters (Water breaks early only 10% of the time) . “Ouch”, I thought, she’s going to be able to hold this over my head for a while. I made a daddy note that said “wash dishes for the entire week after the baby is born”. Yes, this is good, I am a good person and a great husband. I will have made sacrifices the equivalent of giving birth by doing this chore for a week. I may even reveal this to her at 10 centimeters so that the pain will virtually disappear.
Demographics
While waiting to see our doctor to get our first ultrasound I observed the clientele. It was 9:00 in the morning and I told Lindsay “It’s like someone turned on the lights in a honky tonk bar”. In the case of our Lamaze class, it was more like a dance club. The kind of dance club you usually go to after the cool ones have closed. I noticed that the three women who were single all had tattoos on their lower back. The modern term for this is a ‘tramp stamp’. At a 100% correlation of tattoos to ‘surprise ‘ pregnancies, I wrote in my notebook “No tattoos….none!). To reinforce this point I mentioned it to Lindsay and she agreed. I recline on to my exercise pad and breathe in the positive energy air through my nose. “This is going to be great” I say to myself. I visualize my child sitting on a swing with me as I quiz them.
Me : What happens when you eat cookie dough?
Baby Lucas : It gives you worms!
Me : What happens when you get a tattoo:
Baby Lucas : You get herpes!!
Me: What state is Disneyworld in?
Baby Lucas : There is no such thing!